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by Bob Ditter
The summer's tales are not all in yet, but I am sure that if
this summer is like any other, the economic downturn
notwithstanding, there will be plenty of stories about over concerned,
hovering parents who were challenging to work with for camp professionals.
There is, for example, the parent of a five-year-old day camper in the
San Francisco area who was sure her child would be too traumatized by
having to change for swim in front of other children unless she came
in every day and held a towel up to give her daughter privacy! Or, the
mother of a boy with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder who, even
though her son desperately wanted to go to camp, was afraid he would
be too embarrassed to take his medication, which in turn would make
him too unruly to get along with his cabin mates or counselors, so why
bother sending him? Or the parent of a thirteen-year-old female camper
who, when she was sent home because she brought vodka to camp in a water
bottle and shared it with her friends at the camp pool, said the punishment
was unreasonable because it would "ruin their daughter's
summer."
Every
camp professional has their share of parent stories.
We offer them up with an almost proud enthusiasm,
like badges we've earned in the line of duty. It is as if having to
cope with irrational, demanding, or bad-tempered parents helps define
us as members of a club of experienced professionals. To be sure, there
has been a trend in parenting in the last decade that favors overinvolvement
and micro-management and has tested childcare professionals around the
country. Much has been written about the so-called "helicopter parent"
trend of recent years — parents who are also known as alpha parents,
or "get-my-kid-into-an-Ivy-League-school-at-all-costs" parent,
or the "I-will-be-my-child's-best-friend-andlive-through-them-vicariously,
thus-beingforever-young" parent.
And yet our response to this
trend hasn't been all that inspired or convincing.
It's as if we would rather swap parent stories with
a kind of collective grimace than forge a balanced,
rational, informed response. Sure, there will always be, as author and
child psychologist Wendy Mogel so aptly puts it, "lunatic fringe" parents.
(She suggests not wasting too much time or mental
effort on them!) And there will always be stories that are so outrageous
that they can't help but be entertaining. But if these were children
acting badly, camp professionals would see an opportunity to teach,
coach, or guide them to being better people. So why not parents?
There
is an occupational hazard for people who work as
closely with children as camp professionals do, and that is we tend
to identify more with children and less with their parents. The problem
with this is, once we view parents as fundamentally flawed, it is much
harder for us to be empathic or caring or even calm when we engage with
them. Given that it is parents — or grandparents — that
pay for camp, such a critical mindset doesn't bode well for business.
Furthermore, most camp people I know have taken
a stand for personal growth when it comes to working with parents. After
all, isn't
that what we say camp is all about? This belief
in growth marks us as professionals, not just in our work with children
but with everyone we work with. If we believe in growth and in giving
children better coping skills, then that belief should be a feature
of our transactions with people in general.
Prescription for Success
The best way to gain a better appreciation of parents'
point of view is to speak with them. The fall is
a perfect time to issue a survey to parents, not just campers, about
their experience with camp. How was the information they received before
camp? What was most helpful to them in getting their kids ready for
camp? How was the communication with camp once their child was at camp?
Would e-mail, text, fax, or phone be better as a communication medium?
How did they feel their concerns, if any, were addressed? What growth
or changes did they see in their child when she returned from camp?
What could make their overall experience better? These are just a few
questions that can give you a better idea of how to serve your parents.
In addition to a survey, consider meeting with a group of parents — like a focus group — to find out
what it is they most value about their child's camp experience — and
listen to suggestions they might have about how
better to share this value with other parents who may not be aware of
the benefits of camp. Though many camp professionals meet with parents
one set at a time in their homes, there is an advantage to meeting with
a group of parents whose ideas may trigger a broader, richer discussion.
Besides spending more time getting to know your parents' perspectives,
there are several other tips for improving your
response to challenging parents. Always go back to your principles.
What is it you and your camp truly stand for? If you haven't taken the
time to articulate your principles, it is going to be difficult to keep
them in mind when you are feeling challenged! If you believe in personal
growth, spend some time putting into words how you see growth occurring.
Most camp professionals believe that children need to learn how to thrive
away from their parents, even if only for brief periods of time (in
a physically and emotionally safe environment like camp), if they are
ever going to be truly successful in life. While the notion of their
children becoming "independent" may actually frighten some parents ("What?
You mean they can live without me?!"), words like responsible, coping,
and confident resonate with parents who want to, as Wendy Mogel
says, give their child every opportunity to get
ahead.
Find Common Ground
In her article titled, "Let
the Kid Be," in the May 31, 2009, issue of The
New York Times Sunday Magazine, Lisa Belkin points
out that there have always been trends or fads in parenting and
that the current one seems to include an attempt
to give children every emotional, intellectual, and material advantage — whether for narcissistic reasons or to
help their kids be ready for the uncertain world of the future.
So isn't
camp an experience that gives kids an advantage?
Once again, it's
not just about the so-called "hard skills," like
tennis or canoeing, but about coping — overcoming fears, widening horizons,
navigating the social landscape. Camp is an exercise
in self-reliance and social learning. Kids not only make some of their
best friends at camp, they learn what real friendship is. Since campers
live in groups it is also about learning the give-and-take of making
decisions and getting along with all those "brothers" or "sisters" you
suddenly inherit when you arrive. In a time when
resilience — the
ability to stick with something and recover from
a setback — is
a great quality to cultivate in our children, camp
is an increasingly attractive option.
I can't tell you how many
parents have told me how much more confident, calm,
purposeful, or focused their children seem after a couple of weeks of
camp. Indeed, the very thing many camp professionals complain about
in parents is what makes them choose camp for their children! Learning
to speak to that desire in parents could be the best way to get camp
into a family's summer agenda.
Be a Better "Parent" to Your Parents
In the moment when a parent presents us with his
worries or concerns about his child, we have a choice. We can be critical,
in our tone if not our actual words, or we can be reassuring. Being
critical may make us feel we are taking the "higher ground" in a discussion,
but it often causes parents to become defensive or even intractable.
Parents need reassurance about not only their child's
ability, but about their job as a parent. The following is an example — a page from the
advice I give parents on how they can get their child ready for camp:
The biggest question to ask is, are you ready
as a parent to let your child go? Children are
like little membranes — they pick up all
of the subtle emotions of their parents. It helps to be clear with yourself
about what your child signed up for in the first place, whether it is
to make new friends, learn new skills or try out some new exciting activity
or program. Think of camp as "life experience with training wheels." Camp
professionals have been helping kids separate and
become more independent for years. This is their true business. They
tell you they teach swimming or arts and crafts or canoeing, but what
they really teach is self-reliance and resilience — in
other words, coping skills for kids!
Reassure yourself as a parent that you've
done your job. All the advice, coaching, caring,
and goodwill you've given your child over the years is in there. Trust
the job you have done. They have it. Let them try out their wings even
if it means they take a little nosedive once in a while! You can't make
an omelet without breaking a few eggs!
It is also interesting to consider
that the new economic reality may be helping to end the age of indulgent
parenting. As Belkin points out, "The
newest wave of mothers is saying no to prenatal
Beethoven appreciation classes, homework tutors
in kindergarten, or moving to a town close to their child's college
campus" so they help with the homework. People just can't afford luxuries
anymore, which means that if camp professionals
want to be one of the options those fewer dollars go for, they need
to be even better at putting into simple, parent-friendly language just
what the true benefits of camp are.
References
Mogel, W., Ph.D.
(2001). The Blessing of a Skinned Knee — Using Jewish Teachings
to Raise Self-Reliant Children. Penguin Books.
Kindlon, D. (2001). Too
Much of a Good Thing — Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent
Age. Hyperion Books.
Belkin, L. (2009). "Let the Kid Be — Could
the era of over-parenting be over?" The New York Times Sunday
Magazine, May 31, 2009.
Originally published in the 2009 September/October
issue of Camping Magazine.
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