|
|
 |
by Bob Ditter
Author's note: The names and certain identifying characteristics
of the campers on which this article is based have been changed to protect
their privacy. The resulting thoughts, conclusions, and practical suggestions
are just the beginning of finding a deeper and more effective understanding
of the problem of girls hurting other girls.
July 2009
"The
counselors don't really know what's going on,"
Lori said in all seriousness. "I mean, they're
nice and they want to help us, but they don't really know how."
Lori is one of twelve campers in a cabin of eleven-
and twelve-year-old girls whose counselors have
told me that there is a "bullying problem" in the group they can't quite
figure out. They had hoped I might offer some practical suggestions
about how to help the girls get along better with one another and
reduce the "bullying."
"What is it that you think
the counselors don't seem to get?" I ask. Lori
is typical of most campers these days — articulate,
eager to talk if she thinks someone truly wants to understand, and full
of ideas about what "the problem" might be.
"They
think we're just being mean," Lori says. "What
they don't understand is if we don't talk out our problems, they
just get worse until everyone's feelings get hurt."
Lori, like many of the girls I talk with at camp, is caught in the complicated
web of hurt feelings, conflicting loyalties, and
strong personalities that baffles most adults.
The Social Life of Girls
at Camp
The following are a few observations about
the social life of campers that I have made in
twenty-seven years of visiting camps:
- Campers will not have great
experiences at camp if they don't fit in or feel
comfortable in their cabin or group. Exciting
activities, quality staff, special events, meaningful
rituals, and camp spirit are great features of
camp, but they can never make up for the importance
of fitting in. Most youths are painfully aware
when they don't fit in or when there is discord
in their cabin or group.
- Camp professionals
and camper parents cannot expect children to
come together at camp and not have conflicts.
It's not like children come to camp, and the
magic simply happens. Children today come from
smaller families where they have been raised
with a lot of parental intervention. When they
come to camp they acquire five to fourteen "brothers"
or "sisters" all at once. Suddenly they have
to share personal space, a bathroom, their time,
friends, stories, and their counselors' attention
in a way they usually don't have to at home.
Most have had little practice sharing, compromising,
and working out conflicts outside of camp!
- "Bullying" is a lazy term. It tells us nothing
about specific behavior — what
a child is actually doing or saying — that is so hurtful. It is
a kind of "one-size-fits-all" label that offers no insight
about the meaning or cause of the behavior. The term "relational
aggression," referring to the fact that girls express their hostilities
through relationships, isn't much more helpful.
- A lot has been
done to describe the hurtful behavior some girls
engage in with other girls, but not a lot has
been offered as to practical, effective ways
to address that behavior.
- People who work
with girls have a lot of assumptions about why
girls do hurtful things to other girls, but my
experience is that most of us rarely take the
time or make the effort to find out the true
causes. Don't get me wrong — some girls
can be extremely mean. Understanding what's behind mean behavior
is essential before deciding what to do to change it.
- Children today
are extremely verbal and may even be better at
articulating their issues than their female counselors,
many of whom have not sorted out their own issues
of loyalty, popularity, favoritism, or healthy
ways to express anger.
- Any conflicts girls
may have will always intensify in the absence
of strong positive adult leadership. When counselors
are truly connected, interested, and aware — when they are truly "present" in
the camp lives of the girls — hurtful behavior
is better held in check.
Two Profiles for Relational Aggression
Two years ago I worked
with two girls at a camp in Pennsylvania. "Carla"
lived in Florida; "Nancy" lived in New Jersey.
The only opportunity they had to spend much time together was at camp,
where they had known each other for four years.
As a result, the girls wanted to be together as much as possible. This
did not go over well with the other girls in the cabin who felt excluded
and left out. The counselors pointed out to Carla and Nancy how sometimes,
without meaning to, they were hurting the feelings of the other girls
by being so exclusive. So each girl made an attempt to "branch out,"
trying to spend time with other girls.
Soon Nancy began to fear that
Carla would like some of the other girls more than
her. Being insecure in her relationship with Carla,
whom she saw as more mature and socially savvy, she continued to try
to get Carla to be with her while Carla was trying to take the advice
of her counselors and spend time with other girls. Whenever Nancy felt
rebuffed by Carla, she would approach other girls and whisper mean things
to them about Carla. This is typical of girls who, when they don't know
where they stand with other girls, often go on the offensive, keeping
secrets, spreading rumors, passing notes, and making faces. What to
counselors looked like mean behavior on Nancy's part was actually an
attempt to steer the other girls away from Carla. Carla then retaliated,
saying mean things back to Nancy or saying mean things about her to
the other girls. Had Nancy had the emotional and verbal wherewithal
to express her worries to Carla — which is
exactly what I helped her do when I finally caught up with her — she
wouldn't have had to resort to her campaign of hurt.
Insecure
Type
Nancy typifies the girl who resorts to aggressive
tactics when she is insecure about her place with one or more girls
or when she lacks the skill and emotional maturity to express her insecurity.
Most girls who are insecure are reluctant to admit it for fear of losing
their status in the group. These "insecure type" girls resort
instead on heavy-handed methods much as Nancy did
with Carla. The key here is for a strong, charismatic adult in the camp
community — usually
but not always a female — to cultivate a trusting relationship
with the girl and help strengthen her connections to the other girls
in more positive ways. Getting her to admit her insecurity requires
skill but can happen if there is enough trust with a caring adult.
Willful
Type
Another type of socially aggressive girl is
the girl who commands a lot of attention in the group and simply enjoys
exercising her power, sometimes in capriciously mean or willful ways.
Girls like this often come from families with a highly competitive parent
or older sibling who is also socially aggressive. There are two distinguishing
features of the "willful type" of socially aggressive girl. First,
they often challenge the authority of the counselor
and can get the other girls to do so, too. Second, they often have a
couple of "lieutenants" or intensely loyal sidekicks who help them keep
a tight grip on the other girls. While willfully aggressive girls can
also benefit from a relationship with a strong adult female in camp
who can model strength without meanness, they often require a different
kind of intervention. With willfully aggressive girls, all talk and
no action is utterly ineffective. What I say to these girls is, "Your
personal feelings about people and the friends you make are your business.
But when you start making other people in the cabin uncomfortable or
hurt their feelings, then it becomes my business. And if you do things
to hurt people's feelings — like rolling your eyes, saying mean things, or excluding
others — then I may have to have you spend a day with another
group until you can learn to be with people in your group without hurting
their feelings. And while I don't want to do that, it's
really up to you. You will let me know by what you do from here on in."
Challenges
The first challenge here is that girls can be clever, subtle, and secretive.
If counselors are not observant, they will miss the dirty look that
shows up in the millisecond they are looking the other away or the whisper
in the corner of the bathroom when they are on the porch or the note
that mysteriously shows up under another girl's pillow when they
are still asleep. Getting to the bottom of the problem can be difficult
if the dominant girl has so terrified the others that they won't
speak up.
The second challenge is setting up the "vacation from
the group." You must send the dominant girl either
to a younger or older group. Either one is suitable as long as she is
treated with respect but not received as a heroine, which would be totally
counterproductive in that it would reward her rather then serve as a
consequence to her hurtful behavior. You must also send one of her "lieutenants"
to a different group, thus splitting up their grip on the original group.
Most dominant girls hate being away from their
power base, and with one of her sidekicks also disabled, she will not
simply be able to slip back into the group after a day and extract revenge
on anyone her lieutenants inform on.
While the dominant girl and her
friend are away, it is a great opportunity to do
some team-building exercises with the girls who
remain to strengthen their bonds and help them
speak up for themselves. If once the dominant girls return
they continue to intimidate other girls, the consequence
needs to be repeated. In one case at an allgirls resident camp last
summer, we sent a willfully aggressive girl home for three days. Unfortunately,
her mother "felt sorry" for her and treated her to three
days of shopping, clearly rewarding her for her aggressive behavior.
After returning to camp the girl went back to her old ways and had to
be sent home for the rest of the season. I am convinced that while the
camp lost that one camper family forever, they were able to win over
the trust of the other girls whose summers would have been ruined had
the camp not acted decisively.
The third challenge has to do with how
we as adults respond. Even when girls are willfully
mean to others, we need to take care not to vilify them in our response.
Just like any child who is testing the limits, it is the adults who
need to set clear, firm, meaningful, and effective consequences in a
nonjudgmental way. If we as adults don't provide those consequences,
then it is partly our failure that allows their hurtful behavior to
persist.
On the Case: Cabin/Group Check-In
When I am asked to look at
a cabin or group that is struggling to get along,
I start with what I call a "cabin check-in." It
offers a view of camp as seen through the eyes of the campers. I do
a check-in with the division leader, unit director, or head counselor,
not with counselors.
When I meet with the campers, I begin by introducing
myself. "Hi! My name's Bob and I am a friend of,"
and I name the camp directors. "I come to camp before the campers get
here to train the staff and help them understand kids better
and be the best counselors they can possibly be.
Then I come back to see how things are going. I do that by sitting down
to talk with several different cabins (or groups at day camp) and see
what's up."
I then ask each camper to tell me her name, where she is
from, and how long she's been coming to the
camp. Sometimes if the camper is new I ask how she found out about this
camp. When the whole group is more comfortable I ask them to tell me
two or three things they like most about camp. "It can be anything," I
say. Some kids say it's their friends, some mention an activity,
and others talk about a favorite counselor. It only takes about thirty
seconds for each child to tell me her favorite things, and by listening
intently and making good eye contact, each camper begins to trust me
more and more.
Then I say I am going to ask them a question on which
I want them to "vote." I first explain the way
they will "vote." To begin, each camper is asked to hold up one closed
fist and look at me. Once I ask the question, the campers are to hold
up either no fingers (" . . . that's keeping your fist closed and counts
as a zero," I explain) or up to five fingers " . . . five being
the best." I tell them I want everyone to look
at me while they are voting because sometimes people look around to
see how their friends are voting and then change their vote to be more
like their friend's. I then ask them to rate, "from zero to five" — and
I demonstrate with my own hand — "how well you think everyone
is getting along in the cabin. One, two, three vote!"
You've
got to be quick when you do this, because they
can't help but look around to see how their friends are voting and modify
their response to "fit in." Once I get a lot of two's and three's,
I open it up. Ground rules come in handy, here.
"One person speaks at a time. Everyone else listens with respect. Speak
for yourself. We keep it private to this group."
When I am doing a regular
cabin check-in, I continue with other questions
that are not relevant to this discussion. When
gaining entre into a group that is struggling to get along is needed,
I use the cabin check-in as a way of starting a conversation about what
is creating conflict. Armed ahead of time with notes from the counselors,
I already have an idea about which girls are fighting with which girls.
I tell the girls — and this is
significant — that meeting with them as an entire group will not
be effective because there are different issues with different girls
that need to be sorted out individually.
Mapping a Cabin or Group
I
then meet with different groups of girls and begin
making a "map" or diagram of the relationships
in their group. Creating this diagram or "map"
offers a clear-eyed, nonemotional way of viewing conflicts in the cabin.
I tell the girls that we will meet after it's all said and done to see
whether they think I have gotten it right. Figure 1 shows an actual
"map" from a cabin I worked with in 2009. Kelly and Bethany M. are from
the same hometown and are very close in school, and they are close at
camp as well. Emma C. hangs out with them, which is why they are all
in the same box; but she isn't as close to them as they are to each
other, which is indicated by the broken lines and her name somewhat
further away.
Bethany T. and Nicole are twins, also from the same town
as Kelly and Bethany M. Nicole loves camp and is
friends with everyone, but her twin Bethany T. doesn't seem to fit in.
She is ambivalent about moving in on her sister's friends, even though
her sister welcomes her, and she doesn't really get along with the two
girls from her home town, so she is unconnected. This turns out to be
one of the destabilizing factors in the cabin, since the more Bethany
T. feels unattached, the more she is negative and complains, which upsets
the other girls.
Carly W. and Emma B. are both
immature in different ways. Carly is developmentally
behind the other girls. She is shorter, has not had her first period
and looks much younger. She also has many fears, talks incessantly about
her stuffed bear, and sings to herself — all traits which annoy the other
girls. Emma B. is quiet and socially awkward, and she and Carly have
a kind of love-hate relationship with one another. Emma feels stuck
with Carly, who clings to her because the other girls leave her out.
They fight constantly, and these fights also have a negative destabilizing
influence on the group.
Counselors see Eliza as very strong and often
hurtful in that she excludes girls from time to
time and can make faces or spread rumors. It turns out that Eliza used
to live in the area the other girls come from but has moved away. She
is somewhat insecure, though she doesn't seem it to the other girls.
Nicole, Lori, Sophie, Maggie, Eliza, and Alyssa all hang out together,
even though there are often rifts among them.
Once comfortable with
me, Eliza was able to agree that when she is feeling
uncertain about where she stands with the other girls, she sometimes,
without meaning to, does things to try to keep them from connecting
more strongly with others than with her. When she is feeling this way
she might tell secrets or pull certain girls close while leaving others
out — all as an attempt to control
her standing with the group. Once she was able to admit this, she could
tell some of her friends, who were then encouraged to "help her" with
it. This development had a very positive impact on the group.
A Guide
to Intervention
A cabin or group map serves as
a guide to staff for making sensible interventions with the girls. As
I continue to work on refinements, I realize that some group or cabin
situations are complex enough that they probably require the intervention
of upper-level staff whose skill and maturity level is needed in order
to bring about a more favorable outcome. For example with this group,
Carly and Emma B. need a vacation from one another from time to time,
both for their sake and the sake of the overall mood in the cabin. Bethany
T. needs help making friends of her own, possibly with girls from another
cabin. Eliza needs help talking to her friends when she feels insecure,
rather than resorting to hurtful tactics. These are the sorts of things
that take a head counselor, unit director, or division leader to arrange.
When I showed the "map" to
the girls, they were astounded. They couldn't figure
out how a guy could "get them" so accurately. This type of
relational mapping offers the girls the opportunity to acknowledge their
group conflicts because they can understand them in simple terms — and
as a result, they can make efforts to work on improvement.
It takes time, however. Girls, especially at eleven
and twelve years old, need a lot of help sorting out their relationships.
If camps are truly serious about helping girls grow; however, they will
invest the time, money, and effort in helping their staff develop greater
expertise in this area.
Originally published in the 2009 November/December
issue of Camping Magazine.
|
