by Bob Ditter
Dear Bob,
Our coed resident camp is in a fairly remote area, but last year's "progress" found
us, and we now have cell service in camp. Even before this blessing,
we discovered campers had been smuggling cell phones into camp to use
on trips out of camp. (We have a clearly stated "no-cell-phones-in-camp" policy.)
How amazing that our resourceful campers have already determined just
which places in camp have the best signals for each service company!
So for the past three years we have what we call "cell phone amnesty
day"—a moment at the beginning of the session where we ask
campers to give up their contraband phones in keeping with camp policy.
Here's the new twist. Last summer one parent gave her daughter
two phones: a decoy, which the mother instructed her daughter to turn
in when asked; and a true working model which she was instructed to "tuck
away" and use to call home. A suspecting division leader noticed
the decoy was an old, non-working phone, and with further investigation,
uncovered the deception. We feel our response should be to the parent,
but we'd like to know what your thoughts are and what it is you
would say.
— Thought We'd Seen It All, Pennsylvania
Dear Seen It All,
I actually encountered this same cell phone trick while visiting two
other camps last summer. Obviously, it is disturbing when parents instruct
their children to disregard camp rules. Unfortunately, the need for this
kind of "parent education" is not new. One day in the summer
of 1974, while working as a counselor at a former boys' resident
sailing camp on Cape Cod, Massachusetts, I ran into something similar.
At the time the camp had a "no-candy-or-gum-in-camp" policy.
In addition, when a camper received a package, he went with one of his
counselors to the office during rest hour, where he had to open it in
front of that counselor for inspection. On this fateful day, I had gone
with one of my eleven-year-old aspiring pirates to retrieve a package
his father had sent him. The boy removed the packing to reveal a smart,
new soccer ball. A very heavy smart, new soccer ball! The boy's
eyes lit up and off he ran! It turns out his father had previously alerted
him that such a wondrous package might arrive. The father had very carefully
removed one of the panels of the soccer ball, filled the orb with all
sorts of candy, and sewn the panel back in place. A clever deception!
The father viewed his action as an innocent little "camp prank." I
gave him an A+ for creativity, then explained to him the camp's
counterpoint of view and promptly apprehended the contraband goods. (The
candy was at least a better thought than the fireworks another dad had
hidden in his son's trunk to be set off while at camp on the Fourth
of July!) The good news is that, upsetting as these deceptions are, they
are still practiced by only a minority of parents. In my experience,
most parents play by the rules and are upset when other parents don't.
The bad news is that it can be an exasperating minority!
The central issue in the cell phone deception you describe is trust.
What this parent is actually doing, perhaps without realizing it, is
suggesting to her daughter that she cannot trust the camp staff and that
only she, her mother, can be counted on to "be there" for
her. Obviously, if a camper has a problem at camp and calls her parents
rather than coming to you or your staff, your ability to intervene effectively
is dramatically reduced. What this parent is saying to her daughter,
wittingly or not, is, "When there's a problem, trust me,
not camp!" What she is saying to you, in effect, is, "I don't
trust you to handle situations that might arise with my child." I
would ask the parent if this is what she really believes, because if
it is, she hasn't truly been able to entrust her child to your
care! Maybe she needs to re-think if she is ready for her daughter to
be at camp! And if she doesn't trust you, why would she think her
daughter would?
One caution: take care not to "make the parent wrong" with
her daughter. What I would say to the camper is simply, "Well,
we know you're mother gave you this phone and told you what she
did because she loves you. You and I both know it is breaking a camp
rule. Besides, there are plenty of other ways your mother can stay in
touch with you. What concerns me even more is that, if you were to have
a problem and you told your mother about it and not us, we wouldn't
really be able to help." Then reassure her that you will straighten
it out with her mother.
Obviously the real communication is with the mother. Her daughter is
simply being dutiful and doing what mother has asked her to do. In the
case of the other camps where I heard about this, one mother denied it
while the other mother meekly laughed it off. (They also did not object
when the camp confiscated the phone and held it until the end of the
session.) Remember that as crazy as we may think some parents are, many
parents are simply frightened by all they hear about kidnapping and child
abuse and so on. I wouldn't be heavy handed or angry in my response—just
clear about setting a limit! Who knows, maybe asking what the mother
had been thinking when she gave her daughter the phone will allow her
to share a concern she hasn't previously voiced. If so, you'd
be strengthening the trust between you and her and turning this episode
into an opportunity for greater understanding. If you sound angry or
disapproving, you may miss an opportunity for greater openness. You can
just as firmly and convincingly set your limit and enforce your camp
policy if you approach this with care and an air of openness.
A Precamp Communication With Parents
With speed-of-light advances in technology and the Internet come fresh
challenges for camp professionals of which cell phones are only one example.
Other issues include things like cyber-bullying and post-camp contact
between campers and staff via texting, cell phones, e-mail, instant messaging,
or social-networking sites. As a way of helping camp professionals educate
parents about not only camp rules, but also a broader range of ways to
help insure their children's online safety, I have written a comprehensive
"letter-to-parents" that addresses these issues. The following is an
excerpt:
Dear Parents,
We have always taken the safety and well-being of our campers—your
children—very seriously. After all, giving your children over to
the care of other people is perhaps the greatest act of trust you as
a parent can engage in. We aim to do everything we humanly can to earn
and keep that trust. We also know we cannot do this without your help.
We are writing to invoke the partnership we feel we have with you to
help us make sure your children continue to have the safest, most wholesome
experience with us possible.
Given certain developments in our culture, including the increased use
of the Internet, cell phones, and text messaging, we appeal to you as
parents—our partners—to help us maintain as safe an environment
for your children at camp as we can. Please read our letter carefully
so you may understand the challenges facing us regarding the continued
safety and health of our camp community. Then, take time to review and
then read to your child the enclosed policies regarding the Internet,
social networking sites, and exchanging contact information with their
counselors. As always we urge you to call us if you have any questions,
concerns, or ideas about any of these issues.
I then go on to explain cell phone policy as follows:
As you know we have a "no-cell phone" policy at camp. Aside
from the fact that cell phones are expensive and can get lost or stolen
and that the physical camp environment is not kind to such items, there
is a fundamental problem with campers having cell phones at camp, and
that is trust. When children come to camp they—and you—are
making a leap of faith, transferring their
primary care from you as their parents to us and their counselors. This
is one of the growth-producing, yet challenging aspects
of camp. As children learn to trust other caring adults, they grow and
learn, little by little, to solve some of their own challenges. We believe
this emerging independence is one of the greatest benefits of camp. It
is one important way your children learn to become resilient. Contacting
you by phone essentially means they have not made this transition. It
prevents us from getting to problems that may arise and addressing them
quickly. Sending a cell phone to camp is like saying to your child that
you as the parent haven't truly come to peace with the notion of them
being in our care.
We agree to tell you if your child is experiencing a challenge in their
adjustment to camp. You can help by talking with your child before they
leave for camp and telling them that there is always someone they can
reach out to, whether it is their counselor, a trusted activity leader,
the head counselor, or even the director or camp health care provider.
We are all here to help, but if you don't trust us, they certainly
won't.
My recent experience with many children in the United States is that
they are not resilient. They are smart, clever, verbal, and often believe
they can do just about anything they put their minds to. And they often
have poor coping skills. The cell phone umbilical cord is just one way
parents unintentionally undermine the development of resilience in their
children. Camp offers a tremendous opportunity for children to practice
coping skills they will need for what is sure to be a challenging future.
How well we communicate this opportunity to parents is crucial for them,
their children, and the future of camp. For a complete, electronic copy
of my letter to parents, e-mail me at bobditter1@aol.com.
Originally published in the 2007 January/February
issue of Camping Magazine. |
