by Bob Ditter
Dear Bob,
We had an eleven-year-old girl at camp last summer that we wanted to
get your thoughts about. "Mandy" (not her real name), a
first-time camper, had no friends in her cabin. Unfortunately, she
did not help herself in this regard, as she did several things that
annoyed the other girls. One example is that after lights-out in the
cabin, Mandy would often shine her flashlight into the eyes of the
other girls. Once she was caught crawling out from under a toilet stall
door which she had locked from the inside. When confronted she acted
surprised and denied doing it, later claiming that she "forgot" she
had done it or why.
We knew Mandy was an only-child from divorced parents.
She lives with her mother and told one of her counselors that she knew
her babysitter better than her mother. Your thoughts are appreciated.
— Leery in the Loo
Dear Leery,
You never said what it was you thought
was behind Mandy's behavior, a question that is essential to
answer before doing an intervention. Without knowing what the point
of her behavior is, you can't decide what approach to take. A
child's behavior is usually driven by one of only a few motives,
as follows:
- an effort to master a feeling, like a fear, or
skill
- attention-getting—to gain friends, love, understanding,
or affirmation
- revenge—getting even for a real or imagined
hurt or wrong
- an expression of anger or frustration
- a
mask or distraction, covering over a fear, shame, or guilt
- survival
- a
power play—simply to see what they can get away with
While it
is tempting to read a lot into a little information, doing so can be
misleading or inaccurate, thereby doing a disservice to the person
we are trying to help. In Mandy's case, however, the fact that
she is an only-child, that she is new—and presumably without
friends—at camp, and that she has already let it be known that
she doesn't get to see her mother as much as her babysitter all
point to a youth starved for attention. As an only-child she may also
be under-socialized, which means she doesn't know how to go about
getting the attention she craves without putting the other girls off
or getting into trouble. (It's like she is trying "too
hard!") If your counselor can help Mandy get what she wants—attention
and friendship—without her getting into trouble or turning off
the other kids, it could change her behavior dramatically.
I would
have the counselor Mandy spoke to about her mother and her babysitter
take the lead. Somehow, Mandy "picked" this young woman,
so I would go with her "choice." Accurate or exaggerated,
Mandy's comment about her mother gives an indication of what
this little girl is looking for. On a deeper level, she may also feel
unlovable, a conclusion many children make when their parents are "too
busy" for them. Children who feel this way often go about "proving" their
theory by doing the very things that get others to reject them. Your
counselor will need to persevere if Mandy tries pushing her away.
Have
Mandy's counselor start by spending just a little more special
time with her, one-on-one. This can happen in simple ways by walking
with her from activity to the next, spending time with her at rest
hour or during free time, and so on. As the counselor gets to know
Mandy a bit better, she will be putting "money in the bank" with
her (e.g., trust and credibility) that she can draw on later. After
a couple of days, I would have the counselor gradually add first one,
then another of Mandy's cabin or group mates to this special
time. Have three girls—Mandy and two others—play a game
together at rest hour or free time, with the counselor playing with
them. This way the counselor can gently coach Mandy and help her connect
with other girls.
At some point, were Mandy's off- putting behavior
to continue, I would have the counselor speak to her, using a script
that goes something like, "Mandy, if I didn't know better,
I would almost say that you were doing these things to get the attention
of the other girls. It's kind of like a funny way of saying to
them, ‘Let's be friends!' I know you don't
mean to offend anyone when you shine your flashlight in their eyes,
but I'm afraid the other girls are going to get the wrong idea
about you! They might think you are trying to be mean, even though
I know that's not the kind of person you really are. Let's
see if we can figure out a better way for you to make friends. After
all, coming to camp where you don't know anyone is a big challenge!"
In
response to the bathroom trick, I would downplay it and say something
like, "Boy, that's funny! What a funny girl you can be!
I just hope the other girls don't take it the wrong way!"
Helping
a girl who feels friendless and uncertain about how lovable she is
can have lifelong consequences. A counselor can do this, much as I've
described above, in an easy-going, natural manner, guiding someone
like Mandy to get what she wants (friendship, love, and attention)
in ways that do not confirm any deeply held belief she might have about
being unlovable. And camp is the perfect place to make this happen!
Dear Bob,
Every year we seem to struggle with camper discipline, especially
finding acceptable consequences to unacceptable behavior. What are
your thoughts about what consequences are appropriate for campers?
— Spare the Rod
Dear Spare,
Your question is a good one, though difficult
to answer in a few short lines. Here are a few thoughts.
First, remember
that there can be positive consequences, not just negative ones. By
that I mean that most counselors can still do a better job of reinforcing
or affirming positive behavior in campers when they see it. This is
especially true with younger children, who often crave praise from
adults. With teens, the same is true. They just don't like it
to be delivered publicly for fear of appearing like they are "kissing
up" to the counselor. (Teens are so busy appearing independent
and self-sufficient that they act like they could care less about such
praise or affirmation, when we all know this is simply not true. We
just need to deliver praise in a low key, off-to-the-side way.) A simple
example is how I often say to younger children how "proud" I
am of them, whereas with teens I am "impressed!"
Another
general rule of thumb about consequences is that if counselors are
trying to get campers to start or complete something (finishing clean-up,
brushing their teeth, and getting out to an activity on time), incentives
work better than threats. First, we all know that counselors, in their
exasperation, make threats they either can't or should not keep.
Secondly, putting kids in control of their own future or giving them
a chance to earn more of what they already love is more motivating.
For example, at resident camp most kids love to stay up later, so let
them earn more flashlight time or a later bedtime. Another incentive
might be getting to play a special game at rest hour (one reserved
and played only as a reward or incentive, making it more desirable)
or going to a special activity (if the counselor can arrange it). Obviously,
incentives need to be used judiciously, as there are things campers
should simply do by virtue of their being at camp and this is what's
expected.
For times when campers do something inappropriate, the topic is also
big, but let me offer a few ideas. Calling parents and having the child
tell the parents what his or her misbehavior was can be a powerful consequence.
Having a camper perform a chore for another camper or for the camp can
be a consequence (e.g., giving something back to the party that might
have been offended). Making an apology, especially one that is written
and read aloud, can be sobering. In cases of more extreme behavior, campers
can be put on "contract" or an "agreement," which
terms, if violated, might result in missing a key event (like a dance)
or going home. It is essential that staff understand
that such an agreement or contract must be fashioned with the help of
a head counselor, director, or similar key staff person. The point of consequences for negative behavior
is to change behavior. Far too many adults use consequences simply to
shame, which creates resentment, and a sense of injustice in children.
My suggestion is that you have your unit directors or head counselors
sit down with their respective staff near the end of orientation and
brainstorm both acceptable and unacceptable positive and negative consequences
so that counselors are clear about what they can and cannot do and everyone
is more closely on the same page about this challenging, but essential
issue.
Originally published in the 2007 March/April
issue of Camping Magazine. |
