“My counselor hates me!”

Aaron stood before me, his hands in his pockets, nervously kicking the pebbles on the ground. It was my 18th summer in Camp Gan Israel, the largest network of Jewish camps in the world. By now I was directing one of the camps, and Aaron had been sent to me as a last resort.

I wanted Aaron to know I believed in him. I was curious about why he began our conversation with, “My counselor hates me.”

“Tell me about that,” I said with a smile and waited.

“Well, it’s not my fault. Everyone was throwing spitballs.”

“Tell me more,” I encouraged him, sitting down on the floor.

“It’s not my fault I have good aim.”

“Tell me more about that!”

“OK, well, my spitball hit my counselor on the nose. So, he got mad and told me I have to come speak to you.”

There it was. Instead of “What?” or “Why?” — which tend to elicit a defensive response — the open-ended “Tell me” yielded the desired result. No power struggle and all the information I needed.

Difficult Conversation Starters

Use these three difficult conversation starters for a nonthreatening way to open dialogue:

I’m wondering. It’s always OK to ask any camper or any staff member any question that begins with “I’m wondering.” Instead of, “Get out of my seat!” try, “I’m wondering if you knew that was my seat?” Instead of, “This activity is stupid!” try, “I’m wondering if I can read a book?”

Tell me. Instead of using “What?” or “Why?” — which often trigger defensiveness — use the more open-ended “Tell me.” “Tell me about standing on the table this morning.” Or “Tell me more.”

I need your help. When you expect a negative response, or pushback, begin with, “I need your help . . ..” “I need your help with something that happened in camp today. It’s my job to make sure campers are safe and in the right place. I noticed you in the kitchen. How can we make sure you are always in the right place?”

Belief Instead of Expectation; Curiosity Instead of Judgment

Unless we keep advancing as camp professionals, we quickly fall behind. Children evolve as fast as technology and the world around them, and we need to keep up. The tool I focused on the summer Aaron was sent to me was belief instead of expectation.

If I expect you to come on time and you arrive 12 minutes late to the flagpole, you’ve failed. When confronted with, “Why were you late this morning?” you might feel you can’t keep up with camp rules and deserve whatever consequence follows. Expectations lead to judgment. Nobody likes being judged.

On the other hand, when I believe you can come on time and you arrive late, I still believe in you. “You show up on time for every sports activity, and you never miss a meal.” “My belief in your ability to be punctual is backed by data. And yet, you were 12 minutes late this morning.”  “I still believe in you. Belief leads to curiosity. I need to know more. Tell me about this morning.”

Sharing Our Belief

Back to Aaron. I had used the “Tell me” tool to hear his spitball story. Now it was time to share my belief that he could do better. How could I help him find that same belief in himself?

“Aaron, I believe you have incredible self-control. In fact, hitting your counselor on the nose with a spitball takes incredible coordination and control. I’ve seen you in camp these last few days, participating in sports and staying in control of yourself.” As I spoke, Aaron’s shoulders relaxed, and an almost-smile appeared on his face. Then I asked, “How can we make sure you control yourself even when everyone else is going wild?”

Aaron looked me straight in the eyes. “I can control myself, but if everyone’s doing it, why should I?”

“Simple,” I responded. “You have good aim! You’ll end up speaking to me every day. I’d rather you spent the day having fun with your friends.”

I challenged Aaron to come back by suppertime and tell me about a time he controlled himself when others didn’t. It took 17 minutes. He came running over, breathless. “Rabbi Zalmy,” he panted, “Everyone was making fun of Levi, and I didn’t. OK, gotta go back.”

It’s amazing what kids will do when they know someone believes in them.

What Do We Notice?

Dina walks into the staff lounge, oblivious to the “Staff Only” sign posted at her eye level. A maintenance worker looks up from monitoring the Keurig machine and calls out, “Hey! You’re not supposed to be here!”

Freeze frame. What does Dina now believe about herself based on that one comment? Is she a rule follower? Is she respectful? Does she even know where she’s supposed to be? Is she well-behaved or about to get in trouble?

Fortunately, I was in the lounge at the same time making some copies. “Dina,” I said with a smile, “where are you supposed to be right now?”

“In the field, I guess,” she responded quietly, starting to make a hasty retreat.

“Dina.” She turned around as I called her name. “Thanks for listening the first time — that was very respectful.”

Now, what does Dina know about herself? She knows where she’s supposed to be. She listens the first time. She’s respectful.

Who gets to decide which narrative Dina learns about herself? The adult in the room. That’s us.

We can choose curiosity. We can choose to notice that Dina is in the wrong place. Or we can ask a question, then recognize the respectful compliance that follows when we believe that children want to do the right thing. We choose.

And I learned that maintenance workers should be present at staff training sessions.

Say What They Did; Say What It’s Called

One of my personal heroes is Michael Brandwein. For me, Growing Great Qualities in Kids is one of the most important masterclasses on building character (Brandwein, 2018). One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned from him is how to specifically point out character traits that we want our campers to identify with.

The key is simple:

Notice the good.

Then, say what the camper did or said.

Finally, say what it’s called.

With Dina, I noticed that she listened the first time, and I redirected her to the right place. I said, “Thanks for listening the first time — that was very respectful.”

When we focus on noticing and naming positive behaviors, we help children believe in themselves. When the tone in the room is positive, everyone there becomes more positive.

I never ask for quiet at camp. Instead, I highlight the ones who are getting quiet. “I can count over 30 campers who chose to be quiet when they noticed I was standing here. So respectful! Now we have over 80 campers quiet. The respect here is awesome. And you’re waiting silently — that’s patience!”

Like any skill, learning to notice and correctly point out the positive takes practice. But the payoff is worth every effort.

Why Is Camp the Perfect Place for This?

I grew up in Camp Gan Israel, which has over 400 Jewish camps worldwide. The Lubavitcher Rebbe (teacher), Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, believed camp was the perfect place to grow character.

In school and at home, routines and influences shape a child’s behavior. At camp, everyday activities — eating, brushing teeth, playing sports, waiting in line — can become real-life lessons in personal growth.

In 1956, after the devastation of the Holocaust, Jewish identity and pride were at an all-time low. The Rebbe believed in youth. He saw what we now know to be true, that summer camp builds character. A fun, safe, uplifting environment in which character isn’t taught as a subject but learned in real time, is key to raising confident, proud, positive individuals.

Notably, “Gan” in Hebrew, means garden. A garden has many different plants, each with unique needs. Some need shade, some need sun, some need lots of water, and others just a little. The Rebbe saw each child as a young seed full of potential. My counselors shared this belief with me, and I love sharing it with every camper, staff member, parent, and supporter of our camp family.

“I’m Wondering”

For years, our camps have simplified the rules into three clear, all-encompassing expectations:

• Respect campers, staff, and stuff.
• Listen the first time.
• Be where you’re meant to be.

When I first introduced these rules, I realized that children don’t always know how to begin a difficult conversation respectfully. How do you say, “Get out of my seat!” in a respectful way? I believe that children can use curiosity instead of judgment to create a more respectful and effective tone.

So, I introduced a simple guideline: It’s always OK to ask any staff member or camper any question — as long as it begins with, “I’m wondering.”

Instead of “Get out of my seat!” we can say, “I’m wondering if I can have my seat back?” Or “I’m wondering if you knew that was my seat?” Instead of “This activity is stupid!” we can say, “I’m wondering if we can play something else?”

Curiosity demonstrates a belief in the other person and that the speaker wants to have a respectful conversation.

The staff caught on immediately. Soon, they were using “I’m wondering” with each other, with me (the director), and with campers. The campers followed suit, and all summer, it was wonderful to hear the uptick in respectful conversations.

Five-step Conversation

“OK, Rabbi Zalmy, I’m convinced. I want to share my belief in my campers. But what about the ones who are really struggling? What about those who are aggressive, rude, wild, and disrespectful?”

I hear you. First, we need to establish what we truly believe about this child. Do we believe they can sit quietly for a 45-minute story at the bonfire? If not, let’s not expect that. Instead, let’s find a role for them. Maybe they can help set up tomorrow’s activities and come back for s’mores and singing.

But we do believe they can be more respectful, punctual, calm, and in control of their words and actions. Here’s a five-step conversation template for how to effectively share this belief with a child.

Warning: This conversation may need to be repeated many times as the child builds self-belief. It’s not a magic wand. But it’s amazing what a child will do when they know someone believes in them. Just ask Aaron.

State your belief in the child. Tell them they already have the quality you’re looking for. For example, “I know you value being on time. And I believe that you can control yourself, because I see how you are in control when you play sports.”

State what you noticed — without emotion. Describe what you saw or heard without judgment. “I saw that you were 10 minutes late to the morning circle. Then I noticed you raising your voice and walking around when the counselor asked for quiet.”

Listen. Use open-ended “Tell me” statements to encourage them to share their story.

Share the bigger picture — the dream. Help them see why this matters in the long run. For example, “Imagine being on time even when it’s hard. You’ll be a reliable employee, husband, entrepreneur. Imagine developing the tools to stay in control, even when you’re bored. How would that change your life for the better? I see you as someone who can always choose respect; imagine everyone sees you as the respectful one.”

Ask for the solution and next step. Empower them to take action. “What’s your next step toward that level of reliability? What can you practice to get there? I’m wondering if we can try some slow breathing when you feel your body getting unsettled?”

The Five-Step conversation is a great tool to steadily increase the belief a person has in themselves.

I Believe

I believe our staff, campers, and we ourselves can choose to notice the good in each other.

I believe we can use curiosity instead of judgment.

I believe we can focus on belief instead of expectations.

I believe that when we share our belief with our campers, we will see the character traits we seek more often.

And, in addition, I believe we can raise a generation that believes in themselves — and in each other. — to use respect, kindness, and courage to unite the world in peace.

Photo courtesy of Alford Lake Camp, Hope, ME.

Reference

Brandwein, M. (2018). Growing great qualities in kids: The L.A.S.E.R.M.E.A.M. technique for bringing out the best in young people. Chicago, IL: Michael Brandwein.

Rabbi Zalmy Kudan serves as educational director of Lamplighters Jewish Academy in Oxnard, California. He is on the board of CKids Camp Gan Israel International where he trains close to 2000 camp staff professionals annually on his ChinuchTools.com platform. Rabbi Zalmy is a certified Emotion Code Practitioner. Rabbi Zalmy can be reached at RabbiZalmy@ChinuchTools.com.